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... the boys guts were scattered across the desk; written on scraps, they bled with emotion, no bandage could hold it in. his head lay with his hands droped like a corpes, over his head and out in front of him. he has beaten himself with his writting, he has lost his ideas in his words, he bleeds now with scratches of heart punding out of his left hand. where is this leading? where am i going? will she remember? what is going on with anything? what the fuck am i doing? why are there tears in my eyes? why cant i stop? im sorry, im doing again arent i? im beating myself up when its not time to. its time to buck up, and do whats right, no holds fucking bar. pull out the stops, and walk through the gates. the doors open, step inside you mother fucker. do not let this get away. ::: posted by Eddie at 11:55 PM "doctor, will he be alright!?" she cried that night, for the boy she once knew will never recover. ::: posted by Eddie at 12:30 AM i only write to keep living, for its the only way to free myelf of my own harzardus incantations. bottled up, they throw caution to the wind, and i then play victem to my own thoughts; condeming me to my own hell; pursing nothing but the catacombs of my own wrath. what exactly am i saying anyway? basically, if i dont get it out somehow, i will make thigns worse in some other way. i will pursue whats on my mind, and screw up much that is dear to me. im not a fucking poet, im a 19 year old boy, who sometimes takes his testosterone level with him to his playground. we will all stand for what we believe is right, and sometmies, its not the best thing to do, but its more mature and manly to confront than to conceal. im a victem to my own foolish feelings. ::: posted by Eddie at 12:09 AM ide be honored. sorry for your loss. ::: posted by Eddie at 8:05 PM i see, whitney, that you commented "hi" on an earlier post. why? ::: posted by Eddie at 10:14 PM (shitty fucking post here) (happy post here) ::: posted by Eddie at 9:48 PM the night used to be my womb, holding me tightly as i screemed. i think its fed up with me. its warm gentle hands are now pushing me away; im still screaming. i wiped the dry tears off my face, i was alone now, it was dark. all that was left in my mind is how pissed i was at everyhting that lead me to this point. and i couldnt stray from the mood. the night now only emprased my hatred, she makes me want to cry in anger till i bleed. its happend before im sick of being angry, im sick of being what i am. this isnt me, its not me to let it get at me. i used to be above this petty shit. i leave this post with nothing but anger, and i was fine until tonight. i was fine until my mind caught up to me again. ::: posted by Eddie at 11:07 PM final day no point in this anymore, no point in counting down. i wont be there, i wont be anywhere. happy birthday? i probably wont know. i cant go for a few reasons; and im sure your happy i wont see you on the 8th. in silence i reveal a dark hatred; a quick glance at my face will show this. in deep, im not sure what is going to happen ever. rebirth is a question i must aks myself. i thought in my head a dirty little secret, i wanted to tell you though, but when i looked at your lips, i just got scared. you dont scare me, i can take anything. im glad to have a friend, who tells me that im doing everything wrong, and im not joking about this. its good to know that i have a real friend. ::: posted by Eddie at 9:54 PM day 13 let me just say hi real fast, to the people who read this. went over to talk to josh today, i can tell he wanted to punch me, specially when he took of his sunglasses in a intimidating fashion. its all really fucking stupid. im not wanted anywhere according to him. so bye to every last one of you. ::: posted by Eddie at 12:35 AM day 12 so i find out today that josh has lied about me more. he is playing to whitney's disklike of me to make it stronger. you cant deny it. your pissed becuse im calling you a liar, then maybe you should stop lieing to me, and whitney. he said that i just showed up at the wagon wheel, and i have many whitnesses that its just not true and rather he invited me the day before, AFTER he relentlessly told me i could stay at his house with him. the next morning, he even asked me, as i was leaving, "what time should i expect you tonight?" and i told him when i get out of work, and it takes about 10 minutes to get there from work. i remember details because its true. it hurts to konw, that you would even think, after 1.7 years, where i have never lied or kept anything form you, thaty ou would think im liing now, and to think that he isnt leing to you about this. you say it doesnt matter because he isnt lieing to youy, but by him saying that i just popped up and all of that inviting myself shit, that is liing to you, and with a purpose. you see, by saying that i just popped up, that will instantly get on your nerves, because you dont like when i just pop up. and then there is the fact of me popping up to hang with josh, the man your infacutated with so much you discard these truths. he is using these ideas, to push you to hate me more. when things are finally getting better between us, he lies about that, and threatens to kick my ass for calling him out. i also think, that useing shadow, a personal issue for you family, as a tool to step into OUR (me and whitney) issues, just isnt right. yoiu dont use your families personal shit againsed someone, no matter what. sure, you know mre about it, thats a given, but that still doesnt justify the means. he never got that call, so shadow never talked to him, hence forth, he lied to me about shadow telling me to "get the fuck out of dodge." let me list 1- what i just said about shadow so, josh, you want to kick my ass for me calling you a liar? herse a couple of things to consider. 1- whitney doesnt like that violence stuff, the bentons in general arent quite fond of it. 2 - dont lie, then i wont call you a liar. 3- if you have issues with me, tell me to my face. im more than open to talk man to man. not fist to fist. you could hit me all you want, but i would never retaliate. its stupid to throw down over nothing. 4- stop stepping in between me and whitney, to me, you are kinda making things hard. me and whitney had a good conversation the other day, and when you lie about me popping up and shit, it makes her not like me, which ive stated above. dont be dumb about that. 5- she likse you, thats why she has been spending so much time with you, and cried over you leaving, so mess around with her feelings. if i find out that this was the whole motive in the first place, expect more shit from me. whitney, i dont hate you for liking him, thats your play. and i am still wiling to be cool, like the other day on the phone. but you need to be yourself again, stop thinking i woul dlie and be a creep mo fo. honestly, i have nothing againsed you besides you ALWAYS taking his side, even when i can prove it all. and you did help me yourself prove the shadow thing, along with kara. please listen to reason here, im not starting hsit with you, and today when i asked, you idnt give any anser like you didnt see it, so i thougth i would ask again. i fyou didnt want to tell me, you didnt have to, but, you didnt give a responce to it at all, so i asked again. but, now it is confirmed. ending transmission with one last percausion. friday, the 9th. (tomarrow) i will be there, and i will talk to josh man to man, if he allows himself to listen and be mature about this, and i want you to be there as well, so this way, you will here it all from everyone. and then, we can settle some of this shit. ::: posted by Eddie at 8:44 PM day 11 scott asked me to hang, it was fun times. semelbauer was there as well, watched some scotty the hero. i realize, that im frozen ::: posted by Eddie at 5:42 PM day 10 its been a lovely fucking day ::: posted by Eddie at 10:52 PM day 9 i walked the long walk, but my pace was quick. my heart was pounding with my insecurities and anger, all of them beckoning me to do the wrong things. which i did, but i lucked out. i reached the wooden cell, the wind blew the branches over the shady look of it all. i walked back, this time no music to fit my mood; couldnt stand getting pumped up with my hate, instead i vented. getting back to my own four wall concealment, i contimplate my motive. if i went forward with what i had in store, it would make me no better than the shit i was after. i resign for now, but my coat still hangs close to me. im ready to jump back in, in many cases; and mainly to the frontlines. i will always be here, waiting, willing, caring. i thank my friends for their valient efforts, and kinship. a diary just wont cut it, i needed some art. ::: posted by Eddie at 7:21 PM day 8 burks bday party was fun times, nice seeing everyone. learned to play texas hold 'em, next time ill play anbd hopefully win cash! went to go say goodbye to kara, im pretty sure she is leaving tomarrow, but they were already gone. im sure whit and josh would have gotten mad that i showed up, but i thought it would be nice to say goodbye to kara. told sam we should do lunch this week, not sure if she took me seriously. hopfully tomarrow morning ill be playing guild wars. ::: posted by Eddie at 12:39 AM day 7 talked to whit today, tried to show her that josh is taking control of things, and jumping in between us, which is something she would usually contend, but i guess not. didnt think she would let someone else fight about her battles, with lies even. sorry, i just want our stuff, and our problems, to stay with us, i dont want outside interference. went and got my check and paid for my first bill today. saw sam as well at the cinema, it was nice to see her smile. went crazy fun at the park, had a good time, and yes, thank you amanda for spotting me at the store so i did something else besides go straight home. saw adam for a bit, he didnt even tell me he came home. ::: posted by Eddie at 11:11 PM day 6 usually when you think of power walks, you think of old ladies walking super fast with a tape player at their hip next to their fanny packs. but today i took a power walk that basically was me "maning up" as kendra would say, and i couldnt stop smiling. sure things still bother me, but overall, right now, its healing time, and its only gonna get better. so im glad to have that optimism, ive missed it. ::: posted by Eddie at 10:59 AM day 5 i leave this day feeling a great deal better. im sorry whitney that i made that screw up, i just get bitter seeing y9ou with josh, i know you dont see why, but now that i know josh hates (and lies to) me, it makes it worse. something ill get over in time im sure, i just dont want him making the moves on how we should do this. all i want is to give you your space, and then, work our frienship back up, i know it will take time, and its cool G. one thing though, in order for me to feel comfotable around you, and be myself, you have to let me feel that way, its hard when you shwish me away, but i can understand why you do that now, so oits alright. in time. itll be good, just now is a bad time, and thats fine. ::: posted by Eddie at 1:18 AM |
