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i wish only that people understood that this is not how it is. this is fictitious. i write, to keep from having to mop up my messes. i keep alone sometimes, to keep from destroying whats there, and sometimes i fear that i came close. its over now, a white flag covers my wounds; i surrender. i surrender to the future, and the potential it holds. may it be disastrous or full of fury, i dont care. i see lots of wonderful things happaning. im sorry that all this happened, and im sorry that im such a fool. for what was there at the beginning of all my rants, is still here, wading through all my shit. i thank you ::: posted by Eddie at 9:22 PM i sometimes tend to not write anything, because i know you dont care to take part ::: posted by Eddie at 11:16 PM it hurts me to know, that you pay so much more fucking attention to him, than you evert will to me. it doesnt seem like you want to be with me at all. thanks, for pissing me off, and hurting me so bad. ::: posted by Eddie at 11:15 PM i want to talk about everything, but at the same time i wish that nothing bad will come of it. i just need some reasurance. i need to know that everything is ok, becuase i think it isnt. i think that a lot is still going on that i dont know, i need to know that its not. i need to know there is nothing to fear. i need you to tell me that you want to be with me, because you like to be with me, because you enjoy my company, and whatever..... damn it, i just dont know. i will aks you, but i will make it brief im sorry, i love you ::: posted by Eddie at 3:55 PM i love you, and im sorry its like this your a good guy, and im sorry its like this your a great father, and im sorry its like this you were good friends, and im sorry its like this i used to be something else, im sorry its like this. im sorry, im sorry, im sorry ::: posted by Eddie at 12:39 PM i sometimes feel that im so far out of the loop, that nobody even wants to be around me ::: posted by Eddie at 12:38 PM i once was going to write about how happy i was, but i didnt want to hurt anyone at the same time. right now im scared, feeling under par. i dont feel close to you. and sometimes i think that you would rather be with him, possibly regreting what your in now. i think these things because i feel like your not here with me. im sorry to me i think its not over yet, and its a far way from it. im not completely with you, i feel like your still battling the situation. i live in fear, i could be thinking off of that. in short, im afraid of nic ::: posted by Eddie at 11:06 PM shadows scare me. they are sillouettes consisting of fear. the fear of an ambiguous future. im afraid, afraid of losing it all, everything. im afraid that i wont make the right step forward. im afraid of being alone, of being nothing. im afraid of the darkness because i dont know what it is. the figures are etched in black and im afraid i wont see their outline when the came for me in the night. ::: posted by Eddie at 1:27 AM i bought you a present today. i think youll hate it, but it makes me think of you. ::: posted by Eddie at 12:44 AM i write in this blog to pass the time that i cant stand. so much pain is comming from my end, but i think you consider his more. which do you think hurts more? i sometimes feel like i dont know it all, but i trust you. youve never given reason for me not to. (-1) and i look past it i cant stand thinking that he is sharing our memories. i cant stand thinking about this period. but i cant help it. you mean a lot to me, and i care for you so much. i know your sick of me saying these things, but i really do love you. (do you believe me?) its 12 45, i have about an hour to wait. an hour to wait for you to tell me you probably dont want to talk anyway. an hour to wait to tell me you had a wonderful time tonight with nick. an hour to wait to tell me another time. i hate this i feel like im in the worst spot, but you tell me im doing better. i feel like im so far away from you, but you tell me im closer. i feel like im losing you, but you telll me im not. if im not, then why do i feel like this? if im not, then why are you with him so much? if im not, why does this hurt so bad? ::: posted by Eddie at 12:39 AM i cant handle what is on my mind right now. when i think about how you two are with each other constantly till about 1 or past every night, i cant stand to think that im not worth the time of day (so it seems) im worried that things are growing, and it doesnt help when i cant get any time with you because your alwyas with him all day. i am kinda speaking out of anger, but anger well had. i just feel like i dont have a chance to fight back and you two are going to grow with one another. and i cant stand that. we have so much going for us even as we speak. i dont understand why this is happaning. i post in wait in memories edward paul fisher jr ********* end the fucking transmition ::: posted by Eddie at 12:35 AM i was just given a shine of hope, but there is still talk of dispair. i look at this situation and i see it as a small bump that we will get over together. no one else. its just one thing that you needed to get straight with me, and i can fix easily, becuase i want it too. i want to do things with you, i love doing that. when we go out im so happy because i can say, im out with this beautiful woman. this beautiful, smart, attractive, and morally great person. trust me when i say, there is lots to come, and im here to help bring it. when i talk to you tonight, i hope i will sleep better. i hope that this ends soon, and im still with you. i cant say this enough, i love you. ::: posted by Eddie at 8:02 PM i type in the screen so blury eyed, because i just cant stop. it huts me so much; too much to think that your leaving me, and htis ithe only way that i can vent it out, because i have no one to talk to. because the only olne that i can talk to about htis wont talk about it. i know you need time, but imn so afraidd that this time is only letting me go. the plan, the effort, the pain. i cant handle anythihng. i miss you, i miss you so mcuh adn i lofv eyou. ::: posted by Eddie at 12:29 PM you think me crazy when i say i want this to last forever, but i mean it with every inch of my soul. i want to be with you, and you question it. i love you, and im so serious. ::: posted by Eddie at 11:36 AM day 2 the pain is too much when you think that you have already lost want youve been searching for ::: posted by Eddie at 9:36 AM it hurts me to think that not only long ago you told me not to worry about this, yet its been here even then. it hurts me to think that not only long ago you told me that you were happy with me and that no one else mattered it hurts me to think that not only long ago, you didnt know what to say when i said i love you. ::: posted by Eddie at 6:57 PM in your long deliberation, i already have a feeling that youve sealed my fate. i can only think that you have left me already, and you are just thinking of how to let me down. at least its how i feel. everything seems to be pointing away from me. im so scared to ever meet this realization. im not sure if you know how great you really are, and that everything that we have made together i wish could last forever. i say i love you, and i really mean it. the things i look for are all here in you. i love the way your morals shine bright, and i love your smarts and all of your maturity. you are beautiful and i dont think you know that either. theres not one thing i dont like about you, because its your overal person. im sorry that you dont feel the same as you used to, but if you would tell me these things i would work to make it better. im trying, i really am. all i can do is wait, and see if you still want me around. and it kills me inside. i know that you need to experience other things, but i cant see why you would want to leave. your mindset has gone a complete 180*. we once fought for this one thing, because were happy together. are you no longer happy? i almost want to say someone has been talking to you. or maybe you need an excuse to go for it. all i can say is that im sorry, and that i never want us to end. you have to believe me when i say i love you ::: posted by Eddie at 6:42 PM im not sure why i apologized for the way you made me feel, but i know that i was sorry for the way things turned out. i know your sick of me, and i know im not the greatest, thats why i lie in wait; in fear. in a full collapse, i only wonder whats behind my back. ::: posted by Eddie at 1:40 PM |
