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i watch you walk away because its hard to say goodbye. we dont have to get into this, thats ok, i just hate being like this. i feel so comfortable in this place, and that scares me. for no matter how close i feel, how strong i feel, and how great everyhthing seems to me, you dont feel that. (well maybne you do feel close and whatever, but its not what you want, and then thats why i think its not what you feel.) i love how we are, and i wont break that apart, so im ok. im fine when i think about it that way. but it catches up, and rushes through my system, and sends all these fucking messages in the wrong areas of my brain and i just get all fucking stupid. and I HATE IT. i hate feeling like that, and i hate being like that around you, BECAUSE I LOVE BEING WITH YOU. i DONT want you to feel like its your fault, because its not. i put myself in the corner, i just wish you could give me your hand and lift me off the street. thats all i ask, its all fine. its hard for me to see him, and realize that everything that we were going to do, he IS doing with you. island doesnt matter, i believe you, so i know nothing is going to happen. thats not what bothers me. its just hard to think that we miss each other, we dont want to be apart, and we love being together, and all of that, but im the only one that wants it all back. (or so it seems) prove me wrong, you seem to do that in the best way possible. (and im not lying) you are great, we are great, things are great. lets keep that, if im like this, dont just sit there, get me off the street. ::: posted by Eddie at 7:20 PM the moon was bright tonight, even brighter when she turned off her light. i was waiting to see if she would peek through the blinds, to take one last look before i left. becuase i wish i could have seen her. it was hard leaving tonight, leaving the thing that is making me the happiest right now. its hard as of now, everything i mean. im sure everyone hates me over here, and everywhere else, well i dont see them too often. when i do i feel happy, because its the only time i feel relieved. sometimes the stress just builds up, pressure grabs me by the arms and legs, and proceeds to squish me in half. im so scared of dissapointment. i cant do it again, or rather keep doing it? not sure. she seems to always speak highly of me, but its kinda funny how i can never hear it from her at all. he used to be a guy i wanted to become friends with, but its kinda funny how i use him as a bad example now. ive been through a lot with this girl, but its kinda funny to think that people envy our relationship. we must be doing all the right things. in conclusion, things are pretty lame as of now, but i still have whitney, and my friends. i love you all. ::: posted by Eddie at 10:28 AM i almost feel like i should be a bitching ass rapper sometimes. ::: posted by Eddie at 9:25 PM im also a bad lier sometimes we dont know what we want, and we get out because something else is looking into us. we like that, like feeling like we are apealing to something new. it boost some confidence, and makes you think that you can do something else. something better? who knows....... i cant seem to write this post. ::: posted by Eddie at 10:22 PM its fine ::: posted by Eddie at 1:56 AM you know i dont change very well, i still feel the same about you when we first got together, but a lot stronger. i still feel the same about everything thats happened. im not changing like the weather, im just trying to be ok. with you ::: posted by Eddie at 12:57 AM whitney, you handle all of this very maturely, thats what i am saying. you are unlike any girl with they way you handle this whole thing. it is highly respectable. and i do respect you. i know i dont handle this very well, and i llike to talk about it, and i know you dont, and if you dont, just say so, i wont say "no we have to talk" and if we dont, get depressed, im just glad to see and talk to you. im glad that we are still this close, dont get mad at me for this. just tell me that its stupid, and tell me we dont need to talk abouit it, and then just say its alright, we are still here. im ok with that. tonight, i am sorry, sorry that i talked abouit it, but dont get all mad at that, just say stop and i will. tonight on the way home, i just wanted to be ok with you, i dont like this at all. i want to still takle you out, and have good times, because we still can, we are friends. really good friends. if i dont ever get you back, i still appreciate this. you know ill always want you back, but i want you to be my friend juist as bad. weve grown so well, and im not changing moods here, im still trying to just be ok with you. i know i sounded down adn stuff in the kitchen, which i was, but thats just the tone i talk about it in, i cant be uppedy and talk about it, but i know, i know it just seems like im changing moods, but im not. its just, i do get sad when i talk about it, but at the same time its just refreshing. well refreshing meaning that i know we are still ok, and ok is great. just tell me to stop and i will, i dont want to mess this up at all. dont get mad, just tell me that you dont want to talk about it, and im fine with that. ::: posted by Eddie at 12:41 AM i still cry for being happy, not just being sad. you just mean a lot to me, and being this close to you is great. i thank you for everything youve done, you are a mature and respectable person. i love you, but dont take that the wrong way. believe me, im not just saying this because of our fight. ::: posted by Eddie at 11:23 PM its nice to hear that you miss us, because i miss every moment. <3 homebase (or rather me) ::: posted by Eddie at 10:42 AM please dont think me ill for wanting this so bad. i need to talk to you tonight to soothe my nerves, to know everything is ok. all i am thinking right now is that you found some other guy other than the one from before, and that i should start worrying all over again. im killing myself all alone here, and im tending to hide away from the light at all times. its insane, i know, but im going crazy thinking that im losing the one thing i want the most. i have other things ready for the go as we speak, but your more to me than any of that. im working to get you everything youve wanted from me that im doing also for myself. benafits are comming whitney, god damn it they are comming, and i love you so much. im venting out i know, but i just want to talk to you soo bad right now, share with you the stuff i would share with you otherwise, i dont want this to be happaning, i dont want to be like this, and i know im mainly just driving myself mad. but i just want to talk to youi, and i swear to you that i will be ok when i hear your voice. I HATE MYSELF SO FUCKING MUCH RIGTH NOW, FOR FEELING LIKE THIS AND DOING THIS TO MYSELF AND DISTANCING MYSELF SOMETIMES AND DOING ALL THIS FUCKING SHIT, FOR MAKING YOU FEEL BAD AND GOD DAMN IT FOR NOT DOING SO MUCH SHIT THAT I SHOULD HAVE DOEN BEFORE please believe in me, im doing it this week. im doing it. i love you, i wish you were still like that. ::: posted by Eddie at 10:42 PM people tell me to tread on, but im afraid i cant do that. i want to know everything, but im afraid i cant do that i want to be with you so bad, but im afraid you wont want that, but i want that, so much. ::: posted by Eddie at 6:24 PM you're worth waiting for, as long as it may take. you dont realize how great you really are, but trust me when i say you're worth waiting for, as long as it may take. ::: posted by Eddie at 1:39 PM in text for three nice seeing you there man, we should do it again sometime. its nice to be friendly like this. nice to see your back, but its still a little uneasy. but please, dont fret about it. your always on my mind, no matter what, im reminded of you, and wish i could share these moments with you. this is going to fucking suck, heh. but, im happy that im here. in text for me, and you if you want in a post script i write to myself that it will be ok. i sometimes think that im leading myself to believe to much. i want it so bad. i want you so bad. its going to be hard yes, but WE will make it through this. heh, i say we, for i will always believe that we will be back soon enough. and things will be so fucking amazing. i love you, im sorry i say it so much, but i cant say it enough. if you dont get the respect you deserve, which is more than you would ever imagine, then expect me to take position, position to step in and say something. whitney, ill try and help you do this, but i wont support it completely. but please, talk to me about it, because i will be your friend through it all, even though i want so much more. remember the shallow water, and medafors spoken, they speak truth easier to hear. ::: posted by Eddie at 2:15 AM i can handle a break, but i cant handle a break-up. this hurts you too, you proved that to me, so i dont see why you want to search. yes i do. i know we have not been as good as we have been, but its something we had to work through, couples have to do that sometimes. i hope you dont hate me beause i write and say these things. me saying i miss you and love you and wish that this would have never happend. i hope you feel that too this is the worst ive ever felt. ive betrayed you in a sense, and now, you dont want me. i know youll always care, but i want to be with you. its hard to just be friends, because i love you so much your the only girl ive truely loved dont say im just saying that, becuase im not. ive ran it through my head a lot; your always on my mind. this is the first time ive felt deeply about another person like this, and the first time ive been truly hurt by a so called break-up. are we on a break? you said that we could do that, but if your looking, we are not on a break. well i guess, if your looking we are, but if you pursue then we are not. im sorry, i shouldnt say that. i would like a break, not a break-up. im sure we need a little time apart, to sort out a few things, i know. its my fault, and im sorry this is rediculous. if we are both hurt, then dont do this. iom sorry, i shouldnt be like that put me on hold, dont leave me. i love you, im sorry ::: posted by Eddie at 6:47 PM whoever you may be, if there is indeed anyone, take care of my girl. i love her, and i will always care for her. please keep your hands off, but i guess i cant stop you. i just like her purity. ::: posted by Eddie at 4:31 PM and change isnt easy for all people. i dont feel ike i was being over procetcive, i know you do, but i feel like i was worrying about my own status. and you gave me reason too. i know youve been thinking about other men, thats why i get like this, expecially when you say things like, "i wont say that im NOT going to be with this guy, i mean i could in the next week" and other things like "sometimes i dont think its worth it" you sometimes push me to believe the wrong things. and last night was one on of them. i asked you if he did indeed invite you out becuase he liked you or something, WE talked about that quickly at your house, AND you said that it could be a possibility. SO thats where all that came from. im not saying, and NEVER will say, that you cant hang out with other guys, because i trust you, and thats all i need. i want you to admit though, that its not just me that takes these things too far. you push a LOT onto me, and flip a lot of this stuff around on me. you always make me look really bad in these situations. i asked my things, and let them GO. except for when you said you might date the guy, of course that is gonna make me think that maybe you considered the idea already. but dont take this as me saying ive done nothing wrong, its obvious i have ill say that i love you, you do mean a lot to me. but ill also say that if you dont want this, then leave it. i am not going to hold you back, and im not going to make you do anything you dont want to do. ill be happy to be with you, but only if we can BOTH, me and you, admit some stupid things, talk very quickly about it so we understand, and so it will all be out there, and can then deteriorate into crap. tahts what i wanted to do last night, not keep going on with the guy stuff. i want to fix this problem, and its not about you out with guys, its about me being like i am, and you throwing logs in the fire. its about me getting angry, and you not helping. its about our communications, because if we had it liike we used to, this wouldnt be happaning. talk to me, thats all i ask, if you want to get this problem over with, we have to hear each other out, take it in, say what we will, and then understand, and let it go. we have to listen to each other. i include myself change is something that is hard to just give into, i know that, and im sorry. its hard for some, and i want to just talk about it to get used to it. i CAN change to fit the weather, but i need your help in understanding. thats why i act the way i do. in a post script i want to add that i WANT to work with you, not against you, to solve this dumb problem. ::: posted by Eddie at 12:50 PM the new hit thing to hit the theature stured quite the comotion with the local townsfold. to them, the theature was something spectacular, spilling everything to entertainment. your popcorns popped, are you read for the show? the movie opened like this - a boy sits alone, pondering, just what has happend since then? the first scene concludes the movie, as we forshadow events to come. it seems that the boy, cant quite rememeber his name but, feels like hes changed, and at that same time, for the worst. with that, came understanding, and with that, came pain. the girl that walked into his life, changed, she wont admit it, but he konws, because hes still here, in the same spot he began in. but its not just that, its not just the girl. he misses his home and his friends. he misses himself mostly. sure, the girl meant a lot, but recently, hes been wondering; she has changed. its better for her, shell be fine. the boy will too, hell be fine. he will make amends for what hes done, for everything. when it ran into the scene, where we jumped into his mind, it was a vortex of complicated fortitude. i think, that maybe, he was just trying in all the wrong places. he needs to start over, so maybe, and hopefully, there will be a sequal. no girl, no home, ho friends, but a birth. a fresh start, maybe its what we all need. there you have it, i hope you enjoyed yourself tonight. if you come back to see it again, ill be there, waiting for you to experience it again, but if not, ill share the story with others, and enjoy. ill still care for you, but maybe thats all i should be, is there. i wont say im sorry, i wont try to win you back. if you want it, you can have it, but you have to want it. ::: posted by Eddie at 11:49 PM i think it odd that i must lie to myself indirectly as of late. in my late hour i deliberate the whole instance in my head, biding time while i wallow in stupid shit that im not fixing anyway. i tend to put myself in wierd situations in my head, and its not even how i think it anyway. as if now, im wasting effort... why the fuck am i sitting downstairs? well i guess im not sure, i guess i just have some things on my mind that i dont think should be talked about only for the sake of argument. im venting, dont take me too seriously i dont know, i dont fucking know. i tend to think stupid things anyway. its not worth it, not worth the time or effort. im sorry, i shouldnt be here. i shouldnt be doing this. im sorry, i want to be closer, but i know its wrong. i know its wrong to want what was there. i know im wrong, a lot. im sorry, dont take me seriously, please, im venting. please dont take me seriously, im venting, im sorry, im dumb. please dont take me seriously, im not sure why imn here, im not sure why im doing this, im not sure why im nopt up there mending what bothers me. im not sure why i just dont.... yeah i am. nevermind, this is dumb. ?please dont atke me seriously, im venting, ::: posted by Eddie at 1:22 AM tell your friends that i need an audience t-minus 1 ::: posted by Eddie at 10:14 PM .....when she grabbed me by the jaw and shook my head, she stared deeply into my eyes "dont you ever think that, dont you ever." she seemed so furious about the idea of my doubt "what happend to you? remember when you thought you had potential? remember when you were the optimist? remember when you had a smile on your face because you knew inside that you were just happy; happy to be here?" she was right, this is stupid i said - "im sorry, your right, this is shit. i do remember. i remember that this shit didnt get me down, but rather made me laugh; laugh so fucking hard that i was so much different. i used to take this life in lots better than i do now. i used to care for the things i have a hell of a lot fucking more. and you know what, i agree, i shouldnt think like this, i should be thinking a hell of a lot different. respect.. it was better before." "indeed, you must remember what was, and leave what is. things are what they are, and theyve been like this before, so dont let it get you down now. your recent events have only put a damper on certain feelings, but let it go. the only thing you are doing is denying yourself from amazing adventure." and with that i turned about face. i walked towards the light, and lived for the moment. t-minus 2 ::: posted by Eddie at 12:34 AM when representations and analagies dont seem to justify feelings, we tend to speak truth. perhaps, though, with that comes anger, or annoyance, or anything else, then truth seems to sway behind the shitpile of emotions. with everything spoken, ive brought out a truth in me. i guessi should have known it before. ive been wrong to speak from my insecureities. ive only showed disrespect, and thats the last thing i want. not only disrespect towards you, but the man ive pitted myself against (in medafor) in the past. but more disrespect has gone to you, and it should have never happened. i guess ive hurt your trust a bit, and i want you to know that i dont mistrust you. i trust you the most. ive been an asshole, and of course you know because you told me as well. i only wish that you speak of anger when you talk of some things. i guess i sprawl to my own minds depths because ive once again fucked up some shit. fights happen, and im sorry they do. weve had a few and before its helped, this has helped me a lot. for i know what i need to do, i need to shut the fuck up. but maybe its helped you in a different way. and im scared of that. ive made some sort of amends with the man in the scope. i hope he accepts my offer, and we work together to pursue a new path. it would mean a lot to me if i could calm our storm and sail the seas. easliy put - put the past away, and be good again. i want that. that way maybe i wont mess everything up in the prosess; along with having a good guy as a friendly again. in short - im sorry for what ive done, but i think that its over, and that im at peace with what troubles i had before. i want me and nic to be ok, it would be for the best, for all three sides. i love you - im sorry ::: posted by Eddie at 11:49 PM you hate me right now but i guess i deserve it. ::: posted by Eddie at 10:32 PM what? you cant see he is playing directly to you? ::: posted by Eddie at 10:09 PM in the crosshairs of the sniper a humble man walks two paths. he doesnt realize that he could be shot dead at any moment, but im just watching. (im watching him? of course) i always watch him converse with the crowd, greating everyone with a smile. but he always shifts his wieght to the alleyway. (i need to know where he goes, i need to know) when i lear around the other side of the lense, i can see him going into friendly territory. (im sorry, im so sorry for what ive done) i pulled the trigger, but just to scare the lad away. (all i can do is watch base, but i cant be protective) its not over till the fat lady trembles....... but i guess that wont be happaning tonight. ::: posted by Eddie at 6:33 PM im so happy here it scares me ::: posted by Eddie at 11:11 PM |
