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i feel like im free-falling into another thought catastrophy, and im afraid of hights ::: posted by Eddie at 11:08 PM ive grown so distant from everything. but as i turn to the memories that catch me by suprise, i miss so much, and i want my past back. the girl that was left behind but missed so much, the laughs and love i once new, the friends that were always there. when i take a look back, i start walking back. because that is where i belong. people say not to live in the past, but my past is my present. ::: posted by Eddie at 11:04 PM the distant glances in through the hallway feel like a relentless attack; constantly driving me to thoughts that are ambiguous. late at night alone in my room is where i think the most. what happend? will anything ever come back? but right when your eyes glance back over, my stomach wrenches. i always rush to look away, and do something obnoxious. i try not to make it weird. its not very noticable, but everthing that has and is still kinda going on, it tears me apart in some ways. ive tried to hide, no, ive tried to leave behind everything. but its still there. i was never one to let go of feelings. (to make myself clear on things, because people like to WIG OUT and assume the wrong things, feelings are just "girlfriend boyfriend" crap. so this is not some obsession crap that you guys can bitch about) but yet ive tried this time, ive tried because they stressed me out, frustrated me. but as i took some time for myself, i wonder if i should have let it loose this long.... ::: posted by Eddie at 6:05 PM if only my chances with things didnt get thrown about, would have it been better? what would i have seen if i was on the other side? what is going on now? why am i writing in questions? ::: posted by Eddie at 5:15 PM tonight was astonishing. leaping into the excitement, and for a brief moment, i felt like i was, no, i was flying. one leg extended out, hand pointing to the crowd, i had no worries, i was overwhelmed by the love of the people, the fans. time seemed to have stoped at an instant, briefly, and when i came down and hit the stage again, i came back to reality, wich was the same thing. ::: posted by Eddie at 10:01 PM audra, you should know that im always here for you, no matter what the case. and ill always try and be there when your in need. i happend to catch a your comment from the other day. and i feel wonderfull to be helping you through this. and im glad that you care for me as well. ive got the plans for gladiola, so soon, we can fly to the forest moon of endor, and be merry with the ewoks. (sorry i dont know how to spell that) ::: posted by Eddie at 12:19 AM the cold wind wipped me in the face as i sung fun melodies of nothing. the marsh on the side of the road, the old people fixing up the lawn, the new bastard neighbors with the huge ass house, all part of the same old thing i come home to. the insane fat chicks, the druggies who have friends 8 years younger than them, and the huge crater in the front of my driveway, all part of the wonders of rothbury. take a deap breath and smell that kurdzliels air. GOD THIS PLACE IS AWESOME. ::: posted by Eddie at 6:44 PM i felt liberated, lifted up from and old love of the past. her promise is still kept, after all this time. ive realized, no matter how pathetic some might think, that i dont think that i have moved on from some feelings i have. her flame that burned, still yet burns, and it burns with heat, with warmth. the warmth that consumes me everytime i see her. once again i read an old letter, and it made me realize that i needed not to find love again, because i still had it. ive noticed that we dont need to "be with" the person we "love" but you just need to feel it. and lately, she is the one i think of in these harsh times. the times we had i still cherish deeply. she is the one that lifts me above my fickle problems. and thats what i need right now, is someone to help me through. yet she is not the only one that guides me along my path, for good friends help me as well. and im gracious for you all, and i thank you for being here. ::: posted by Eddie at 11:14 PM jonas, i understand now how it feels to be called obsessive over your feelings. (you commented about it some time back) because i like to express my thoughts and feelings in my blog, does not make me obsessive, it does not give you the right to critisize. Deanna should be one to listen to words such as these, for she is the one that makes these false accusations about me. saying im a stalker, saying im obsessing over a girl i never get to talk to anymore. Can anyone guess how long its been sinse ive talked to jenny? if you guessed a long ass time, the you are correct. but in retort to all of this, i say fuck love for now, for i would rather be happy. ::: posted by Eddie at 8:01 PM time of death, 2:47. good ridence....sephiroth... ::: posted by Eddie at 2:59 PM i used to think that i should give up on love for a while, because all it is doing is hurting me. but a musical interlude brought me to a different conclusion to my dull story. pertruding into my thoughts came a new sequence. we can love, and have something mean so much to you, that you would never want to let it go, and suffer pain. or we could just never love, and feal pain. this made me think of my current situation. because i thought of giving up, i thought of letting it go. but maybe, just maybe, there are other ways in resolving issues. ::: posted by Eddie at 11:25 PM a long walk can seem to solve it this time. my frustration level is like a limit break; ready to explode. usually i can clear things out, and then take a new chance with it. this time however, it just doesnt seem like i can do anything. once i asked you if you wanted to be together, it seems like i scared you away or something. ever since the christmas dance, i have noticed some sort of change, like you dont care about any of it anymore, even our friendship. this is stupid, i dont want do sit here and deal with this, but i want to be with you, and if not with you, at least be your friend. but that never happens when you stray away everytime you walk behind me in the hallway. ive tried to speak, but something didnt seem right. but have you ever even tried to make things back the way they were? same girl same story different situation ::: posted by Eddie at 4:01 PM it always seems like i have this certain luck upon myself. the story goes like this -- it starts off with good relationship, have lots of fun, try and make it more, sounds good, gets all fucked up, try and fix things up and get better starts upon things if needed, they forget you exist. ya know, something like that ::: posted by Eddie at 9:19 PM a shy pair of kids makes it hard for things to start working again. as i walked up to you, well i almost walked past you, my nerves were shakin. its hard right now, to get the same groove back, to have everything work out as it used to. but im always one to have the patience for this. and im willing to make this work. because my passion for you is going to explode inside me if its contained for so long. wich will end up killing me. right now im in another fix, like many before. but this time, THIS TIME, i really want it to work. you have many qualities that i search for, and your a great girl. i cant stand to loose something like this. and over such triffle things as well. im willing to make this happen again, are you? ::: posted by Eddie at 5:01 PM its odd, i wish for this fresh start, but yet i have trouble speaking. rrrrgh ::: posted by Eddie at 7:41 PM work fucking blogger ::: posted by Eddie at 6:32 PM whoa, what is this? your still on about that? listen, just take a fresh start. get everything back on track. forget all that stupid ass shit. i bet all everyone needed was some time to themselves for a bit. get away from all this shiznit. so go and start a new. good day edward ::: posted by Eddie at 6:21 PM dear jenny, yet again i am writing to you. and yet again is it filled with an apology. these past couple days ive been somewhat dodging you. but its not you. it is I. i have a lot on my mind right now. i dont want to confront you with some awkward aura in the air. all this talk of being a stalker and being controlling, and just everything, something still doenst seem right about this. im not saying that i dont believe you. i have higher trust for you than that. but it just doenst seem fit for deanna to say any of this. she has never been one to be like that. it makes me wonder. i look at this in two views. 1)i can beleive you in the sense that they blew it all out of praportion and just shot it out to me so harshly. 2) you only said that you didnt say any such thing, to hold it back, and stay clear of hassles. it is just something i wonder about. and recently, for some reason, its come back to me. i dont want us to go down like this. not like this at all. so i just want you to know, that i just needed some time to get shit off my mind, and im not pissed at you. so dont fret with love, edward ::: posted by Eddie at 3:41 PM WE are the music makers; WE are the dreamers of dreams; so lets start making shit happen! ::: posted by Eddie at 4:06 PM the screaming in the backround, i think she is going to explode. you dont seem fit to be fufilling this task. you almost snapped after a while, and as i looked at the situation, it didnt look like you could handle it as you would like. its like you so distant to something you brought to this earth. it seems to me that your a stranger to your own daughter. her choking screams only enhanced when you tried to soothe her. i think my head was about to cave in with pain, because none of your tactics would work, nothing will. you called and called for answers, but her yells were only calmed by her mother, there was nothing you could do. its hard to be a ghost father. ::: posted by Eddie at 12:56 AM sorry. i had pics up on the top, i think they looked neeto. but they were so FLIP FLOPPIN HUGE!!. jonas, i need your assistance, could you possibly help me crunch the file size? i would highly appreciate it. thank you? ::: posted by Eddie at 3:51 PM the night is so cold. i wish i could feel your warmth, consuming my body, my heart, giving me the heat to servive this lonely period. holding you close as you exert your subtle breaths, showing your comfort. sweet felicity strikes as the moon rises above, and we drift of into peacefull slumber. our dreams only show the pictures of the perfect fasade. but as a small jolt of wind comes through the crack in the window, i only awake to the empty aura of my room, dark and gloomy, lonely. ::: posted by Eddie at 1:25 AM one day feeling like shite, i took some time to look at my old posts. i didnt laugh this time, looking at the past, but i smiled at all the times that it made me think of. it filled me with a good feeling. for a second, i felt liberated, lifted above my problems, because i didnt look at all this as failing or anything of that sort, but i felt glad to live through these events. you learn alot in the course of life, things that will help you in the future. but also, all these events mean a lot to me. wether it be learning from the petty mistakes i made, or just the feeling that i still charish from it all. well, its all good, and im taking off so good day people ::: posted by Eddie at 7:12 PM |
