no post here because i deleted something that was here before. i used my site as a pic shower thing. dont comment!
::: posted by Eddie at 2:23 AM
im puting together a jigsaw puzzle, and for some reason all the peices dont seem to fit. maybe im just really stupid with all this, or maybe its because people gave me false clues to the real picture. im not sure, but it sure as hell bothers me. something just isnt right about this puzzle, and i would really like to know what is going on. FOR REAL.
::: posted by Eddie at 10:21 PM
and that is someone who cares for us
::: posted by Eddie at 3:14 AM
yep, thats about what i feel like.
picture taken from BEP
::: posted by Eddie at 8:47 PM
fuck it. emotion IS dead. im just left sitting around, and i dont know why
::: posted by Eddie at 5:53 PM
what is with everything lately? it all seems like its falling apart. why the fuck does this always seem to happen the same way? why cant some things just be simple, work out good? all i got is my bass to keep me sane. all these situations, these harsh words, these deep feelings; they all jut out into the lyrics of the next song, patruding out all my emotions, the only thing i have. the feeling is deep, and so is the cut thats left from all these shinanagins; this shit. i should just stop trying, but thats now how it opperates. as long as i still care, as long as im still alive really, i fight it all to try to make it right. people may think its hopeless in some cases, but there is always the chance. ive thought about giving up a lot lately, just because everything seems to be decaying. y does change have to affect everything that means so much to me? countless times ive been hurt by so much, from many situations; and all i want to do is smile again; smile for a purpose...
::: posted by Eddie at 10:50 AM
people never thought of how such small things could make such an impact on their lives. one small mistake haunts there minds, attacking their thoughts ferociously, till they wither away to a mindless drone, drooling and staring at nothing, feeling down, feeling like the shit just hit the fan. ive realized these kinds of things i think at an alright understanding. im a thinker; pondering every wich way a concequence will take me. but its not always about me. most of the times its about others. people close to me always seem to mess up somewhere. it hurts me so bad to see them fade off into the world i so solemly hate. ive watched as they kill themselves in these stupid actions. ive watched as highly loved ones did it all, in hopes to find a better way out of their depression or what have ya, but only dig deeper in the black pit they're sitting in. i fucking hate it! i hate watching all the ones i care about fuck up. but i dont hate them, i only want to help. i only want to see you all smile again, smile with happyness. i dont want to see all of you keep it on, i want to love you...
::: posted by Eddie at 10:43 PM
looking around, seeing the smiles on so many faces, i wonder how they can maintain that happyness. the whole crowd of them suffercating me while i sit motionless in the middle, crouched up in a small bundle. scared, i think the same pertruding thought. the same thought of your mistake. its nothing much, but it bothers me like im infected with cancer. i can get over it, its barely anything; but i just care too much to let you kill yourself like that. thats what leaves me without the smile. thats what leaves me cuddled on the floor. but i bet if i just got to see you again, see you smile, all these thoughts would disapear, just like with all the others that did the same. the others that i still care about too. but you deserve more, dont let the people give you shit, fuck them, just let the past go. look forward to what you have in store, and if you think you have nothing, your wrong.
::: posted by Eddie at 2:10 PM
to everyone out there, i would just like to wish a merry christmas. and if your jewish, happy haunicha (however you spell that). and to all the other stuff i dont know. like quanza and stuff. but i hope that you all have a very good day, and i hope that all the love spreads and we are all happy. good day children.
::: posted by Eddie at 12:01 AM
dear jenny,
tonight just didnt seem all right. sure kizmaz was great fun, but thats not what i mean. i just mean me, not communicating with you. a comment made by jonas stating "you should have paid more attention to jenny" stays lurking in my mind because he was right. it kinda made me feel like a jerk. like it seemed i was avoiding you or something. but i wasnt. and i dont mean to give off some kind of weird aura. the time, the place, the environment, none of it seemed to fit into the right criteria. but its not right with people like adam and jonas. jonas being one to say fuck emotion and make a mockery of such things, and adam one to be a moronic boy. i just didnt feel right like that with them their. its different with scott because ive known scott, and i can talk with him about everything. and plus he knows the whole situation, unlike the other kids. i sure hope you know what i mean by all this, and i very much so hope that you dont think that i dont care anymore. because i always do. i still love ya kiddo. your on my mind relentlessly.
with love,
edward
p.s.
i sure hope we get the time to see each other this break. it would mean a lot to me if i could see you around the holiday season. take care.
::: posted by Eddie at 12:07 AM
the night came slow. the main reason i went was because i would see jenny there. sitting there feeling like it was all connected already. the music of local bands filled my ears, i didnt have to speak, my actions would do that for me. but did my actions presieve correctly? the infintile acts of those adolesant rednecks also got on my nerves. but ah well, it was a good day.
in another note, well two. happy birthday to kendra, and ill see all you kizmaz kids tomarrow!
::: posted by Eddie at 5:24 PM
ok i was just very happy talking with jenny untill i got online. tabatha started a ruckus with me about scott and all her stupid shit. i want her dead. she obviously has no emoition, doesnt know what the fuck she is talking about, and really needs to have better comebacks, there so adolesant. iHA tabatha even tried to use jenny as some kind of attack towards me. say lets stab her with a speargun, burn her at the stake, then maker her into soup and feed her to timmy. DIE WHORE! whos with me!!! but i dont want to touch her so you guys better be pulling your weight.
::: posted by Eddie at 9:56 PM
when i think of this given situation, i think of the same song. fenix tx pulsating through my mind gushing the sweet harmonic lyrics of a love story.
the nights dont change;
the stars still spell
out your name,
i will wait for you.
::: posted by Eddie at 11:06 PM
well, although i saw it coming, i feel so much better. of course, ill have my thoughts upon the subject, but dont worry about it dear, its all good. a fello companion in my YA YA sisterhood said to me, "well this way the relationship could be better." (well something like that, very close) but i see the point. i think it is a good decision jenny's part. we dont need to rush into any of this. i want this to work with us. so you take your time, just dont forget about me. that will be the only thing you could do to hurt me. so dont fret child.
::: posted by Eddie at 9:31 PM
i sat there, thinking of the question i asked that night. it still lingers in my mind, while i wait for you answer that doesnt seem to exist. im scared right now. this isnt easy for me. im taking it horribly. my paranoya (fuck the spelling) strikes me cold and relentlessly. i can only hoope that you say "yes", but my thoughts lean towards "no." thats what scares me; that thought. i called so i could talk with you, so maybe we could get all of this out, but i couldnt get through. this all frightens me, but i feel this could work out so great. i dont know why i have this feeling. maybe im just used to all my luck being shitty. but i dont get many oppertunities in life as good as this.
it was hard enough getting the question out, but its harder still thinking your answer is "no" while i wait. wow i suck.
i was reading marJ's last post ealier. it was talking about, well just read it. but it made me think that maybe you still had feelings for matt. but that reminds me of my old stupidity with leeann. chasing after nothing. through and through it was just me holding on to emotions while she never even cared like that. so i was just dragging myself along this "trail of tears."
::: posted by Eddie at 5:51 PM
the moment i saw jenny, i thought she looked beautiful. the night was grand. although i didnt have as much energy as scott, i still had a little. i felt a little odd. but only because my shyness and luck consumed me. people dont notice but im quite shy at times. and usually my luck is shit. but now my words are making me ponder, ponder what she is pondering. i guess im just being slightly paranoid again. my words tonight are sloppy, my mind us set on different topics than pleasing the people who read this. i just cant help but think of everything tonight. maybe i should sleep, the time will come when all is said.
::: posted by Eddie at 12:44 AM
the night draws nearer and i just wonder how it will work out. my high hopes and thoughts could only be destroyed by myself i guess. lets not let this happen how bout that kids.
::: posted by Eddie at 9:17 PM
the christmas lights were hung with care! but i was left out. i wasnt in the mood. all the holiday festivities that brought the family together were done without the family in its entirety. i kept in my room, thinking of the night before. the explosion of dislike and hatred for one another bursted out in one blow. all the words i said, i regret. even though i didnt mean them all, all of them said through my anger, they still affected not only my sister, but myself. i even got into it with my mother. but sometimes i feel she is too in-touch with her "phisical world" to know that those kind of triffle things arent what show my love. but i think it was all blown out of proportion. everyone just attacking the flaws of the other. it was all stupid. i feel like a jerk, an asshole.
now i think i know why jonas said that apologies are worth nothing. i thought the other day that apologies arent to make things right for the other, but only to relieve yourself of your petty guilt.
::: posted by Eddie at 3:51 PM
as i walked into my room today, i noticed all the writtings of the past. i laughed that i still had them. laughed at how pathetic i was when i was lost in that triangle of love with leeann. but that was back when i cared. now it doesnt seem fit to have these. things have changed. feelings have changed. the chuckles deap within my diaphram were suddle as i laughed at how stupid i was back then. but as i write this, i think, "was it stupid?" even though it was kinda sad i let it go on and always let it destroy me, i dont think it was dumb. i was trying to keep the emotions i had. but at times i felt like i was the only one that was really trying. oh well FUCK IT NOW! no i just kick back and laugh at all of it and its stupidity. whatever
::: posted by Eddie at 8:49 PM
jenny you i needed you to save me from the vile subjects at the show tonite. i ended up dealing with tabitha being stupid as usual. otherwise it wasnt too bad. but the thing that i dont understand is why people feel like manipulating ones mind into thinking they have a chance with someone, and the ,well basically, leading them on. you have tabitha (freaky shit! HAR) making a mockery of emotion. maybe that is a partial reason why jonas stated to me one day, "emotion is dead." i dont think thats true. although i just want to bitch slap tabitha and call her stupid and a piece of fecal matter. she just pisses me off playing with the minds of others and basically to me "playing around"="sluting around." fucking man-hoppers!! but to me emotion is not dead. emotion is never dead withing mineself. my emotion is there for anyone who cares...
::: posted by Eddie at 2:55 AM
"and ill still see you tomarrow, at the show..." (mxpx) the show is tonight at laoding docks, but the only thing i care about is seeing you.
::: posted by Eddie at 3:36 PM
mock rock. i thought it went quite well. i would like to thank jonas for the clothing attire, and all the people who exploded at the end. hope you all enjoyed. after mock rock, i was talking with jenny kendra and deana, (sorry if thats spelled wrong). i just felt ockward when no reply came forth. maybe im just paranoid at times. and also i dont want to get anoyying by talking too much. because these things happen. i do wish i could hang out and communicate, or in opther words, get to know you better jenny. we should plan a day and just "chill" all day. just do something fun or something i dont know. but still its just the fact of getting to know u better that counts.
in other news, my pink eye is getting better, sadfish is getting a new look, comics are coming in, kizmis is coming, and also the christmas dance. looking forward to dancing the night away!
p.s. i think that we should have one mock rock. GOOD DAY!
::: posted by Eddie at 9:07 PM
when i got home yesterday, i had a sorta bad cold. and for some reason my right eye kept watering. i went to the bathroom to get some TP to blow my nose, and i looked into the mirror and saw that my right eye wasnt watering, it was some goo commin out of it! what the FUCK! my mom said it was a cold, THAT WAS IN MY EYE! so i just wiped it away and went on with my dad. when i awoke the next morning, i couldnt open my eye now! god what the HELL!! i got a wet wash cloth and wiped of crusty shit of my eyes and when i finally got my eye to open, it was red as the devils eyes. so my mom thinks ive got pink eye and im scedualled to go to the doctor later. today is starting off really shitey.
i was really hoping to be in school today too. i miss all the loveable people. plus ive missed a few days as it is. some people i only really get to see in school like jenny. that and i had to put up a damn comic today for sadfish and im all dieing. AHHH FUCK YOU PINK EYE!
::: posted by Eddie at 11:15 AM
i looked out my window and saw an open field of white. i figured it was just the plastic covering on my window, but when i looked outside, i saw beautiful flakes of snow. the new crisp air was blowing through the hollows of the windchimes, playing the perfect tune to give me warmth. it finally came, and the fun shall begin!
::: posted by Eddie at 4:12 PM
